Just for the heck of it...

Seventeen Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
11. Sing Along At The Opera.
12. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
13. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
14. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
15. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
17. Forward this message

Subliminal messages

I will admit that I grew up in a land where “yes Sir”, “ yes Ma’am” , “please” and “thank you” were not only appreciated but expected , I will also admit that I don’t expect everyone to be familiar with those particular social graces. While I must concede that rude Southerners do exist (they usually end up as outcasts and have to relocate Chicago.) they are much rarer than a foreigner might actually believe. Before I moved away from the Deep South I considered a man (young or old) who didn’t hold the door for a lady (young or old) to be the epitome of rude. Holy Cow , was I in for a shock !! Since leaving Alabama we have lived literally all over the world and in every place we have called home people seemed to pleasantly surprised with how polite my children are, except for other transplanted Southerners , they expect it . I certainly expect it of my own kids and I used to expect it from other peoples kids , not any more . Having lived in northern PA. for the past 6 years very little surprises me when it comes to the behavior of kids . I have had to change my strategy from threatening to call their parents to report their behavior to dropping subtle hints to the kids themselves because their parents just don’t care. Shortly after we moved here, we had a small army of children playing out in the front yard , I was not surprised when one wandered into the kitchen ,However, I was appalled when he opened his mouth and said “Hey Melissa, I’m thirsty, give me a drink” The concepts of Please, Thank you, May I , or Excuse me had never crossed his mind. I was floored, up until that moment, I had never been addressed in such a way by a 7 year old child , but I quickly realized that it wasn’t really his fault , he was never taught any other way. Fast forward to last night , we were feeding our kids, and a few others who asked of they could eat with us, when in walks a little guy (about 8 years old) they had been playing with . I had no idea what his name was forget about knowing where he lived or what was or wasn’t okay for him to eat, but I digress, he walks into the house, grabs a plate,fills up said plate and sits down at the table and proceeds to eat like he lived here. Thankfully, I have gotten used to such odd behavior from the local kids and wasn’t terribly shocked, we simply introduced ourselves as the parents of the house and gave him a drink to go with his dinner. Little does the poor kid know that he has just entered phase one of the Militant HouseWife subliminal training program !! Give me one month and I’ll have him actually asking for a plate before he sits down to eat at our table and if I work real hard maybe he’ll even say thanks when he’s done eatin’.

Defending our '"Episcopalness'"

We are currently in the planning stages for our trip home(south Alabama) for a two week visit in June and as I was thinking about the logistics of such a trip it occurred to me that because we have lived in Northern Pennsylvania for the last five years there are some things that I will have to prepare our kids for in advance. For instance, because the sun never shines full force in Potter County, PA. they have no clue as to what 102 degrees with 98% humidity feels like, it could be quite a shock if they aren't warned first. Personally, I live for weather like that but the kids have spent most of their formative years living in the Allegheny Mountains and will probably start wilting by the time we get as far south as Maryland. There is also the language barrier, at times my daughter talks so fast she sounds like Smurfette on crack. I find myself translating even for our yankee friends so I can imagine how the conversations at my inlaws are gonna go ... Papa says, " Hey there little Smiley , how was the drive down ?" To which Girly Child replies .."OOOH MYYY GOSH...PapayoushouldhaveseenthiscarwepassedinGeorgiathey
hadeightkidstwodogs,threecatsandafullsetoffishingtackleallshovedintoa
brightpurpleYugowithasetofsteerhornsforahoodornament."
At which point Papa will nod and smile like he knows exactly what she said, Papa later takes BigDaddy out behind the barn to voice his displeasure at what has become of his grandchildren.
Unfortunately I fear the one thing the kids are going to have to be prepared for most is the constant questioning of our faith, not so much our faith but how we choose to express it. As much as I do love my mother-in-law , her constant insistence on turning every topic back to HER religious views does get tiresome. She fears we are sending her grandchildren straight to hell and I'm sure she will not hesitate to tell them so when we are out of hearing range. Don't get me wrong, I have every confidence in my children's ability to defend themselves and their faith as they have done it before. They were recently kicked out of the neighborhood bible study group for refusing to admit that homosexuality is evil and all homosexuals are going straight to hell regardless of what sort of spiritual or ethical person they were. The bible study teacher pointed out that it was after all written the Bible and therefore was true beyond a shadow of a doubt. SpazBoy asks , "how can you believe that?" Teacher states, "because God wrote the Bible and every word in it is to believed and revered with out question" To which SpazBoy replies , "but men wrote the books of the Bible, look it even has their names on it." Teacher states emphatically , "NO MEN DID NOT WRITE THE BIBLE ... God took their hands and made them write His exact thoughts down so we could know them !!" At which point SpazBoy simply remarks , "Well , doesn't that then completely negate the concept of free will ?" (he maybe a complete SPAZ but he has an IQ of 150 and knows when to pull out his "SMART WORDS" as he calls them.) Teacher had no good argument for this one and sent the kids home. She later called me to express her great concern for my children because of the "evil seed" that the Episcopal Church had planted in them. SpazBoy will now occasionally comment that it is time for him to go water or fertilize his "evil seed" . I really have no doubts that our children know where they stand with God , however helping them to withstand a two week constant barrage of comments, questions and accusations coming from their own extended family is going to be quite a challenge.

What do they think they are accomplishing ?

It's getting down to the end of the school year again and once again we find our selves preparing to jump through more governmental hoops involving the kids education. For those of you who may not know, Pennsylvania is one of the most heavily regulated states when it comes to homeschooling. I often find myself wondering what exactly it is that the state is hoping to accomplish by imposing so many restrictions and demands on home teachers. For the record, I don't particularly care to be labeled a "homeschooler or hometeacher" I am simply a parent doing what I feel is is part of my job ... making sure that my children are prepared to be responsible productive members of society. I have heard most of the arguments and "compelling reasons" put forth by the state as to why we should be so regulated ... for our own good of course, they must keep up with the progress of our children so that if they fall behind the kids can be tossed back into the public school and "fixed" to the states liking. These are the same people who promote children who fail to achieve any thing even close to a minimum GPA so as not to damage their self esteem. This is the same state that regularly graduates seniors who are lucky if they can read at a fifth grade level. Schools in Pennsylvania are congratulated every year and are considered to have made 'Adequate Yearly Progress' if 35 percent of its students are considered proficient in math and 45 percent in reading. So if your school has 400 students the state considers it successful if 140 of those students can read and and do basic math adequately. And the state worries about my kids !!!!

Have Christians Lost Christ ?

If you asked 100 different people what being Christian means , I’m guessing the answer would not be flattering and if you posed this question to the same number of non Christians the answer would be even less so. Wasn’t the “great Commission” to send us out into the world to spread the news of Christ? What was this news? If you asked the non Christians , they would probably say that the news of Christ was about fanatical adherence to dogma, the exclusion of vile sinners , and an overwhelming conviction that everyone else is misled or just plain wrong. Is this truly the message that Christ wanted sent out into the world in his name ? I don’t think Christ ever intended for his life to used as an eternal measurement of perfection for us to strive to achieve. He wasn’t about following the letter of the law , but the spirit of the law. He made disciples of women and tax collectors. He had a love for ALL of mankind and preached that ALL were worthy of the love of God. He didn’t say “blessed are they who win the most souls in my name” he said “blessed are the peace makers” He said “Love your neighbor as yourself” not “condemn your neighbor for his perceived sins.” Most Christians strive to live a Christ-like life , however , Christ’s life was more about compassion than perfection.

Home is where the heart is ...

All Shook Up by Culture Shock ..... (Lewis Grizzard)
"There is a group of Atlantans, formerly new Yorkers, who have formed their own support group called "The New York Network." They get together to whine about all the things they miss about their hometown.
There was a story about the group in the Atlanta papers last week. It said these people missed such things as egg creams.
Quite frankly, I have no idea what an egg cream is, but as an Atlantan who was once held prisoner of war in Chicago, I know what it is like to be ravaged by homesickness.
I lived in Chicago for nearly three years. It was very cold there and the people talked funny.
One day, I met a guy in a bar who also was from the South. I knew that right away when I heard him ask a young lady seated next to him, "Do you think wrestlin’s fake?"
Southerners are known for their ability to engage in clever repartee in such social situations as trying to pick up a date in a bar.
After the young lady moved several seats away fro the man, I began talking with him. It turned out he was from Birmingham, Alabama, and he, too, was homesick.
He told me about a support group to which he belonged, "Grits Anonymous," for misplaced Southerners.
He invited me to attend the group’s next meeting. It was wonderful. We filled up the host’s Jacuzzi with grits and wallowed around in them until we all felt we could handle Chicago and our homesickness until at least the next meeting.
After some research I found there are other groups of Atlantans who are transplanted Northerners and meet occasionally to deal with problems they have encountered since moving south. There is, for instance, the "Federation of Former New Jersey Americans," who miss such things as seeing bodies floating in rivers. They meet at Barney’s Waterslide every other Wednesday.
"It’s not what we’re used to, of course," said the group’s founder, Nick Valentino, from Newark, "but it does help some of our members to cope."
There’s "We’re from Cleveland," people who never get to see rivers burn any more. What they do is rent a raft and float down Atlanta’s scenic Chattahoochee River. At lunch time they pour gasoline on the water and roast wienies.
I even discovered a group of transplanted Chicagoans, "The Fruit Loops." Every time the temperature falls below 60 degrees they take off their clothes and run around outside in hopes of enjoying the invigorating feeling of frostbite once more.
What’s obviously happening in our country is more and more people are leaving their roots to find their fortunes, and this obviously can lead to various forms of culture shock.
I eventually left Chicago for home because I could no longer handle a foreign way of life, and I am certain the people from New York and New Jersey and Cleveland and Chicago will be leaving the South and returning home soon, too.
Bye, y’all. "
Not only do I miss Alabama and all things "suthen" I miss Lewis Grizzard. I am eternally greatful that along with his column in the Atlanta Journal and Constitution Mr. Grizzard wrote at least 18 best selling books to keep me company here in the wilds of Pennsylvania. Lewis and his unabashedly southern outlook and complete disdain for the "speech police" were my constant companions during my husbands military career, after all is there anything more amusing than a literate southern boy with a typewriter ? And much like Lewis "If I Ever Get Back To Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet To The Ground" . God bless you Lewis , you are still keeping me company, you truly were the greatest SAWB to ever peck at a typewriter !!

Me , in purgatory ?

Perhaps I should work on the wrathful thing .....
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

My heretical thought for the day ...

As if I could reduce myself to having only one heretical thought per day! This is not the first time I have had this particular thought or one very similar to it , however, this is the first time that I have tried sit and add flesh to it, trying to get it past the "wow, that was a bizarre thought" stage and perhaps get feedback for it. This time it has gotten under my skin and won't go away so here it goes ....
I was sitting in the van waiting for my funny little honey and the kids to finish their Mother's Day shopping, as you can guess, it was taking a while so I picked up my new copy of 'Forward Day by Day' . This is nothing new, I read it quite frequently, though I have never stopped to read the inside cover , until then . On the inside front cover is small passage called 'morning resolve' which is a suggested prayer to help you get your day off on the right foot. After listing those habits that I will work at being faithful to; prayer, work , study, charity which is good , those are things that I work on myself... It is the last paragraph that really got me though "As I cannot in in my own strength do this nor even with a hope of success attempt it I look to thee O Lord God my Father..." I really and truly had one of those Monty Python moments when I expected the clouds to part and God to poke his head through and in a exasperated voice exclaim ... "Oh , stop groveling ... I hate it when people grovel .... every time I try to talk to someone it's always I'm not worthy Lord , or please forgive me Lord ... just stop sniveling and listen to me !" It does seem to me that people spend an inordinate amount of time begging God for help with things that we are perfectly capable of doing on our own . Did God not give us free will and massive brain power for a reason . (this is why I didn't make a good Baptist) I feel secure enough in my abilities that I don't see the need to flood God with the trivialities of my daily life . If you were God would you want the company of people who did nothing but whine at you every time they opened their mouths ? Yes I believe in prayer , but it consists mainly of " I hope that I did more to show Your love to the world today than I did yesterday... And if I didn't please accept my apologies and I will try again tomorrow. " So down to my heretical thought .... I really think God would rather have us work through our daily lives on our own with the reason and might that He gave us , rather than relying on Him to do everything for us . Just think , this is one of the less heretical of my heretical thoughts .

My daughters best friend ...

I recently overheard the following statement uttered by one on of the local "soccer moms" ... "Oh , (nine year old daughter) and I are best friends " . Which wouldn't have been so alarming nor would it have prompted this blog entry if the nine year old daughter in question wasn't one of the most obnoxious little girls in recent history. I couldn't help but think, "If you are her best friend , then who is being her parent"? Obviously .... no one. There has to be a line drawn somewhere between the two, my own daughter has enough friends without me trying to be on top of the list . For the most part my daughter considers me to be passably "cool" (for an old person) after all I have taken her to get multiple ear piercings (6 to date) dyed her hair red for her, and don't have a problem buying her CD's and T-shirts of her favorite punk band. However she also knows that our family is NOT a democracy. Mom giveth the T-shirts and CD's and if need be .... mom taketh them away, and she getteth not a vote in the matter. While our son really enjoys playing computer games with Dad , he also knows that Dad will disable said computer if reason calls for it. The same goes for their friends ... to most kids in the neighborhood I am simply "mom" they come in after school and raid my kitchen like they live here. We are invited to all of their plays and birthday parties , they go shopping and to movies with us and overall consider us to be pretty cool (for old people) . BUT, they also know that there are things that they get away with at home that they cannot do at my house . They are offered the choice of respecting our rules or going home and for the most part they choose to respect the rules . To some of them it was a bit of a shock at first but they got used to it and now are ok with the fact that there are certain things they just can't say when out with "mom" .
Yes I am their friend , but more importantly I am their parent, and will not hesitate to act as such even if it makes them mad at me and even if they are not my biological child. Yes, I have been accused of being too strict, and even had a parent pull her child out of my Brownie troop because I was "bullying" her child. I did not ask anything of her little girl that I did not ask of the others and most of them cooperated willingly. Perhaps it is a cultural difference , as I have noticed this sort of attitude more since moving up north. I ran into the same sort of thing as a camp counselor , children who seemed honestly shocked that I would have the audacity to even ask them to behave, forget about requiring it as a way to earn participation. They were mortified when after hurling some pretty vile insults at one another for the better part of the last day of camp , I refused to let them participate in the camp wide talent show as a group during the part of the evening where every cabin performs a skit based on the events of the week. If these girls had performed a skit based on their week it would have consisted of pouting, whining and insulting one another's intelligence. I was reminded that camp is supposed to be a fun week for them , that is very true however I will not let their fun come at the expense of their fellow campers. As a person I am not above rolling around in the grass like a big idiot for the amusement of my children , but as a parent I will not hesitate to put an end to the fun and games if the situation and their behavior requires it. Until recently , I didn't think this was such and odd stance to take . Go figure.

Not every one from Alabama is an idiot, but this guy is !

As if people from Alabama didn't have enough of a stereotype to overcome (didn't you know, we are all inbred racists) republican Alabama lawmaker, Gerald Allen, just dropped our collective IQ's by a good 50 points!! Allen has introduced a (prospective) law that would forbid Alabama public school libraries to purchase copies of books written by gay authors or featuring gay characters. "I don't look at it as censorship," says Allen. "I look at it as protecting the hearts and souls and minds of our children." How , by making them as narrow minded as he is? In his original version of the bill he even included the works of Shakespeare as part of the "homosexual agenda". Why don't we all just have ourselves a good ole fashioned BOOK BURNING ??? Hey, maybe we can burn a few crosses while we are at it ... because if books by gays are so evil , then what about books by black authors , featuring black characters , or how about women authors who have opinions that differ from his? There is a real threat here people, little kids everywhere are gonna be brain washed into thinking that they live in a country where freedom of thought and expression are fundamental parts of life . Honestly , how would you get through high school without Tennessee Williams , James Joyce and Oscar Wilde . I suppose in his ideal school students couldn't even read the Bible , it is after all chock full of violence and fornication. "It's not healthy for America, it doesn't fit what we stand for," I've got news for you Mr. Allen the great majority of people in the state of Alabama do not want a narrow minded bigot to decide what they stand for. I hope who ever elected this guy was sentenced to a life of mining snow in northern Michigan !